Sunday, October 24, 2010

Thoughts about birth...

Grayson's birth was my first--it was delightful even though we used narcotics and an epidural to help manage the pain of back labor. I got the epidural in hour 20 of intense back labor. I pushed for over 3 hours...he was perfect.

My angel baby was my second--we found out in week 13 the baby died very early on. My body failed to recognize that the baby wasn't supposed to be there. Week 15 started an induction which almost worked. It was hard and very sad, but my first non medicated labor and birth. It was again all in my back.At week 16, I was in an OB's office with a manual scraping of my uterus.

Brian's birth was my third--I selected birthing at home with a midwife. He was ready at 39 weeks 4 days...almost 25 hours from first contraction to him in my arms. Perfection.

Liam's birth was my fourth--I selected birthing at home with a midwife again. Expection of perfection and receiving something different. While my baby was perfection, his birth was not. Week 42 started and so did my labor...It was rushed, full of stress, full of questions and no answers and everything I never wanted. Upon review of my hospital records-it was a succesful cesarean birth. Upon having all my records reviewed by an independent midwife-who knew nothing of my pregnancy, labor & birth--it was still a successful cesrarean birth. This particular midwife wouldn't have transferred me though. I hired a midwife who had my best and my baby's best interest at heart. According to her, it was a needed transfer. It just pierces mine that his birth was rough and not the gentle beginning I wanted and prayed for.

Whether it was warranted or not--well, it will always be up in the air and I will never know. In my heart, it wasn't. In my head, it wasn't. Everyone else tells me it was. I don't have to move on, move forward or do anything. I won't ever lose my voice again. I am healing one day at a time. I still cry, I still am angry and I still regret many things. I don't regret my son nor the delight he shares with me daily.

Maybe it was supposed to be like this and maybe if I would have stayed home, I wouldn't have this beautiful, perfect child of God. Maybe I would...I'll never know and that is very difficult to understand.

"Maybe as we heal, share and support our views of birth can change as a whole. Women will realize they have choices and listen to their inner voices of what they can really experience. We can heal. We can let go of our fears. We can listen to our innate. We can experience the most amazing, unexplainable moments of our lives." ~BWF Blog

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